I have FINALLY taken care of this nightmare. So, it appears you have to install a bunch of Microsoft Redistributables from over the year, as well as Oracle InstantClient and a number of manual PHP dependencies from PECL. The M$ Redistributables are the hardest part to track down, even on forums discussing the issue above.
Installed Deps
M$ Visual C++ 2008
M$ Visual C++ 2010
M$ Visual C++ 2013
M$ Visual C++ 2017
Windows Cache Extension for PHP
PHP SQL Server Drivers
PHP - MCrypt
PHP - OCI8
PHP - MongoDB**
** This one is required even if you tell it you do not give two elf farts about Mongo. Apparently the newest files that have been dropped on their Silver/Gold site ignore the “skipping MongoDB” part of their instructions.
The most concerning thing is that I was following their “official” guide, and pretty much none of the above (with the exception of SQL Server) was included as things to handle for the installation. I am a very frustrated paying customer. This has taken over 8 full work days spread across the past four weeks (I have more than just one thing to do, after all) to finally resolve. This is unacceptable for a product that you can pay many thousands of dollars for, in my opinion.
NOTE – There are more issues, but not connected to this specific error. I will address that in another post, if only to save others the time.